I Was Assaulted by a Rainbow Lorikeet!" — Yua Mikami, Lady Gaga & Margot Robbie Swap Feathered War Stories

 EXCLUSIVE: "I Was Assaulted by a Rainbow!" — Yua Mikami, Lady Gaga & Margot Robbie Swap Feathered War Stories in Bonkers Backstage Summit

By our Showbiz Correspondent, who has since been treated for PTSD (Post-Traumatic Sparrow Disorder)

SYDNEY — It was supposed to be a quiet afternoon in a private lounge at Fox Studios Australia. A fruit platter. Some chamomile tea. Three of the most famous women on the planet quietly minding their own business between commitments.

Instead, witnesses report that the room descended into chaos, tears, and at least one

improvised weapon made from a rolled-up Vogue after the conversation turned — as it inevitably does — to the subject of Australian birds.

Present were: Japanese actress and international icon Yua Mikami, currently filming the thriller Silent Harbour; pop legend Lady Gaga, in town for a secret stadium project; and Margot Robbie, who happened to be passing through to borrow a charger. Within eleven minutes, all three were comparing scars, both physical and psychological, from separate, unprovoked attacks by Australian parrots.

"I'll go first," said Gaga, removing her sunglasses with the gravity of a war veteran. "It was a lorikeet. A rainbow lorikeet. I was on the rooftop of the hotel doing my morning pushups — you know, just trying to stay grounded before a stadium show — and this thing came out of nowhere like a tiny, feathered drone. It landed on my back and started biting my ear. My ear! I screamed the note from 'Bad Romance.' The high one."

Robbie nodded slowly. "A cockatoo," she said. "Sulphur-crested. I was on the set of Babylon 2: Electric Boogaloo — don't ask, it's complicated — doing lunges between takes. A lunge. That's it. That's all I did. And this cockatoo lands on the craft services table, looks me dead in the eye, and then dive-bombs my ponytail like I owed it money."

Mikami, who had been listening with widening eyes, set down her teacup. "A king parrot," she said quietly. "Melbourne. I was doing sit-ups on a yoga mat by the trailer. The bird watched me from a fence. For three sets. Then, on the fourth set — boom. Straight at my forehead. I fell backwards into a catering trolley. There was wasabi. Everywhere."

A stunned silence fell over the lounge.

"I don't know why pushups triggers Australian birds to attack," Gaga said, throwing her hands up. "Is it the motion? The vulnerability? Do they think we're competing for territory?"

"Maybe they think you're a rival bird doing a dominance display," Robbie offered. "You know, the up-down-up-down. Very avian."

"I was doing lunges," Gaga reminded her.

"Lunges are just pushups standing up," Robbie said.

"That's not—" Gaga paused. "Okay, that's actually kind of true."

Yua, now pacing, recounted her ordeal in greater detail. "The king parrot made a sound. Not a squawk. A laugh. I swear on my grandmother's shrine, it laughed at me. Then it flew to a tree and watched me crawl to the medic. I have a scar. Right here." She pointed to a tiny mark above her eyebrow. "My makeup artist thought it was a new piercing."

Robbie leaned forward. "The cockatoo took my hair tie. Flew off with it. I had to do the rest of the scene with my hair doing this—" she gestured vaguely at her own perfectly styled mane, "—thing. The director said it added 'raw energy.' I said it added 'avian assault.'"

"Did yours scream?" Gaga asked.

"Scream?"

"The lorikeet screamed. Like a tiny pterodactyl. Right in my ear. I couldn't hear the backing track for the rest of the day. My sound engineer thought I'd gone deaf on one side. I had to mime the lyrics to 'Shallow.' It was humiliating."

Mikami raised a hand. "The king parrot didn't scream. It clicked. Like a camera shutter. Every time I tried to exercise after that, I heard clicking. I developed a twitch. My director had to shoot around it."

"That's nothing," Robbie said, now fully committed. "The cockatoo followed me to my trailer. Sat on the roof. For three days. Every time I stepped out, it would tilt its head and go—" she did an uncanny impression of a cockatoo's inquisitive chirp, "—like it was disappointed in me. Like I'd failed some test."

Gaga gasped. "They judge you. That's the worst part. They judge you."

A long pause.

"You know," Gaga said finally, "I've performed for eighty thousand people. I've been criticized by the entire internet. But nothing — nothing — has ever made me feel as small as that lorikeet making direct eye contact with me while I was mid-pushup."

Mikami nodded solemnly. "The king parrot looked into my soul. It found me wanting."

Robbie snorted. "The cockatoo looked into my soul and then stole my hair tie. I think it found me accessorizable."

At this point, according to a production assistant who was refilling the fruit platter, all three women began laughing uncontrollably — the kind of laughter that borders on weeping. Gaga reportedly slid off the sofa. Robbie knocked over a vase. Mikami laughed so hard she had to be handed a paper bag.

"I'm sorry," Gaga wheezed, "but imagine — imagine being that bird. You wake up. You see Lady Gaga doing pushups. What do you do? You attack. Obviously. It's the only logical response."

"Same with Margot Robbie doing lunges," Robbie added. "If I were a cockatoo, I'd also be like, 'Not today, Barbie.'"

"And Yua Mikami doing sit-ups," Mikami said, wiping her eyes. "Honestly? I would attack me too."

The trio eventually exchanged numbers, promising to form what Gaga called "a support group for survivors of Australian avian aggression." Robbie suggested a charity single. Yua suggested a line of defensive activewear. Gaga suggested they all just "never do pushups outdoors again."

As they parted ways, a lone rainbow lorikeet landed on the windowsill outside. It tilted its head. It looked directly at Gaga.

She did not stick around to find out what it wanted.

Final word: The lorikeet could not be reached for comment. It was last seen flying toward a yoga studio.