BARRY FURIOUS AS TRAVIS QUITS PLUMBING TO BECOME "BIRD VET"

 BARRY FURIOUS AS TRAVIS QUITS PLUMBING TO BECOME "BIRD VET"

By our Showbiz Correspondent

In a development that has stunned the Sydney plumbing community and delighted absolutely

no one except Lady Gaga, arch-plumber-turned-arch-enemy Travis has announced he is abandoning his trade to become a veterinarian specialising in "overweight Australian birds."

The announcement was made at a press conference held outside his Parramatta plumbing supply store, which is currently having a closing-down sale and also, confusingly, a grand-reopening sale at the same time.

"I've always loved birds," Travis told reporters, wearing a polo shirt embroidered with the words "DR. TRAVIS, BIRD VET" and a small picture of himself holding a cockatoo. "And I've always loved helping people. But birds are better than people. So I'm pivoting. From pipes to parrots. From funnels to feathers."

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Barry, reached at his Newtown support group, was said to be "very upset."

"He can't just become a vet," Barry said, clutching a muffin he did not intend to eat. "It takes years. It takes study. It takes a degree. He's a plumber. He fixes pipes. He can't just wake up one morning and decide he's a bird doctor."

When asked why he was so upset, Barry said, "Because he's going to be terrible at it. And the birds don't deserve that. The birds have done nothing wrong."

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GAGA "OVER THE MOON"

Lady Gaga, who has famously never met a bird she didn't want to put on her shoulder, was reported to be "over the moon" about the news.

Speaking exclusively to this publication—entirely in Italian, from a phrasebook she purchased at Sydney Airport in 2019 and has been using incorrectly ever since—Gaga said:

"Il mio pappagallo è molto grasso e ha bisogno di un veterinario."

This translates, roughly, to: "My parrot is very fat and needs a vet."

She then added: "Quanto costa? È troppo caro. Ho bisogno di uno sconto."

This translates to: "How much does it cost? It's too expensive. I need a discount."

When pressed further, Gaga produced a bulk discount card from her purse and held it up triumphantly.

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"Sconto di gruppo," she said, pointing at the card. "Sconto di gruppo!"

It is understood that Gaga believes Travis's new veterinary practice will offer a "buy four birds, get the fifth examination free" deal, and she intends to exploit this to its fullest extent.

ZETA-JONES AND RIHANNA "SMELL A SCAM"

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Rihanna, however, are not convinced.

"I smell a scam," Zeta-Jones said, arriving at the press conference uninvited and wearing a hat that suggested she meant business. "I smell it in the air. I smell it in the wind. I smell it in the way he keeps saying 'Dr. Travis' like he didn't just make it up last Tuesday."

Rihanna, standing beside her holding a plate of muffins, nodded. "I've seen this before. Man gets a book deal. Man gets a movie. Man gets a rival. Rival gets jealous. Rival tries to one-up him by becoming a vet. It's textbook."

"Is it textbook?" a reporter asked.

"No. But it should be."

The two women stormed into the press conference, demanding answers. Travis, mid-sentence about the importance of bird weight management, looked alarmed.

"Ms. Zeta-Jones! Ms. Rihanna! This is a press conference—"

"It's a scam conference," Zeta-Jones shot back. "Where's your degree, Travis? Where's your veterinary licence? Where's your dignity?"

Travis puffed out his chest. "I have a certificate."

"From where?"

"Online."

"What website?"

"BirdVet dot com dot au."

Rihanna held up a hand. "Is that a real website?"

"I paid forty-nine dollars for it."

"So it's not real."

"It's very real. I got a laminated card."

THE CONFRONTATION

The confrontation escalated quickly. Zeta-Jones demanded to see the laminated card. Travis produced it from his polo shirt pocket. It read: "DR. TRAVIS — BIRD VET — SPECIALISING IN OVERWEIGHT AUSTRALIAN BIRDS — LAMINATED."

"That's not a qualification," Zeta-Jones said. "That's a laminated card."

"It's the same thing."

"It is not the same thing."

Rihanna stepped forward, holding up a muffin. "Travis. Look at this muffin. Don't eat it. Just look at it."

Travis looked at it. "Okay."

"What do you see?"

"A muffin."

"Wrong. You see a circle of potential. A promise. A future. And what are you offering these birds? A laminated card?"

Travis's lip trembled. "I just want to help them."

"How?"

"I don't know. I thought I could… weigh them? And tell their owners to feed them less?"

"That's not veterinary medicine," Zeta-Jones said. "That's common sense."

"It's all I have."

GAGA'S ARRIVAL

At this point, Lady Gaga arrived, accompanied by Bandito the cockatoo, Taylor the king parrot, Nigel, Trevor II, and Susan. She was holding her Italian phrasebook.

"Buongiorno," she announced. "Ho cinque pappagalli. Hanno bisogno di aiuto. Sono molto grassi."

Travis looked confused. "What?"

"She says she has five parrots," a reporter translated. "They need help. They are very fat."

"Sconto di gruppo," Gaga added, waving her bulk discount card. "Sconto di gruppo!"

"She wants a group discount," the reporter said.

Travis's face fell. "I don't… I don't have a group discount."

Gaga's smile vanished. She flipped frantically through her phrasebook. "Non capisco. Dove è lo sconto?"

"She's asking where the discount is," the reporter said.

"I don't have one!"

"Non capisco!"

"She doesn't understand!"

"NON CAPISCO!"

THE RESOLUTION

The press conference descended into chaos. Travis tried to explain his veterinary philosophy. Gaga demanded a discount in increasingly frantic Italian. Zeta-Jones called the laminated card "an insult to the profession of veterinary medicine." Rihanna handed out muffins to reporters, instructing them not to eat them.

And Barry, who had been standing at the back the whole time, finally stepped forward.

"Travis," he said.

Travis looked at him. "Barry?"

"You can't be a vet."

"I know."

"You don't know anything about birds."

"I know."

"You're a plumber."

"I know."

Barry sighed. He held up his muffin. "Look at this muffin. Don't eat it. Just look at it."

Travis looked at it.

"What do you see?"

"A circle of potential."

"Wrong. You see a muffin. And I see a man who's scared. Scared of being ordinary. Scared of being a plumber. Scared of being you."

Travis's eyes filled with tears. "I just wanted to be special."

"You are special. You're the only plumber in Sydney who wears a polo shirt with his own face on it. That's special."

"Really?"

"No. But it's something."

THE AFTERMATH

Travis agreed to abandon his veterinary ambitions. He agreed to return to plumbing. He agreed, reluctantly, to stop wearing polo shirts with his own face on them, though he negotiated down to "only on weekends."

Gaga, disappointed about the lack of a group discount, was consoled by Rihanna, who gave her a muffin and told her not to eat it.

Zeta-Jones declared the day "a victory for common sense and a defeat for laminated cards."

THE AFTERMATH (CONTINUED)

And Barry went home, held his muffin to the light, and thought about how strange his life had become.

Same time next week? he thought.

Same time next week.

But before he could reach his van, a woman appeared out of nowhere. She was tall, furious, and wearing a t-shirt that read "I SURVIVED 15 YEARS WITH TRAVIS." She stormed toward Gaga, Zeta-Jones, and Rihanna with the energy of a woman who had been holding something in for a very, very long time.

"You ladies have NO IDEA!" she screamed.

The three women froze. Barry froze. Travis, who had been loading his laminated card into his van, froze.

"I'm Susan!" the woman announced. "Travis's ex-girlfriend! Fifteen years! Fifteen years I put up with that man!"

Gaga tilted her head. "Susan? Like my cockatoo?"

"No, not like your cockatoo!"

"Because I have a cockatoo named Susan—"

"I don't care about your cockatoo!"

Rihanna stepped forward, holding up a muffin. "Would you like a muffin? Don't eat it."

"I don't want a muffin!" Susan's voice cracked with emotion. "I want you to understand! Travis is a SAINT! All he cares about is Australian birds and weight loss! Australian birds and weight loss! That's all he talks about! He's obsessed!"

There was a pause.

"He's obsessed?" Zeta-Jones repeated.

"OBSESSED!" Susan threw her hands in the air. "Every morning! Every single morning! 'Susan, did you know the sulphur-crested cockatoo can live for eighty years?' 'Susan, did you know the average Australian magpie weighs three hundred and fifty grams?' 'Susan, did you know that if you put a bird on a tiny treadmill it will lose weight but also develop emotional problems?'"

Gaga's eyes lit up. "A tiny treadmill?"

"He built one! In the garage! For the birds! He tried to put a kookaburra on it and the kookaburra laughed at him!"

"That's beautiful," Gaga whispered.

"It's not beautiful! It's weird! It's all he talks about! Birds and weight loss! Birds and weight loss! For fifteen years! I haven't had a normal conversation since 2011!"

Rihanna frowned. "What happened in 2011?"

"He discovered the Australian Bird Atlas and also the keto diet. Simultaneously. It broke him."

THE REVELATION

Zeta-Jones stepped forward, her hat still suggesting she meant business. "Susan. Are you telling us that Travis's obsession with overweight Australian birds is… real?"

"Of course it's real!" Susan pulled out her phone and began scrolling. "Look. Look at this. This is his browser history. 'How to weigh a cockatoo.' 'Cockatoo weight chart.' 'Is my kookaburra too fat?' 'Kookaburra emotional eating.' 'Bird treadmill DIY.' 'Bird treadmill safety.' 'Bird treadmill lawsuit.'"

"There was a lawsuit?" Barry asked.

"The kookaburra sued him. Well, not the kookaburra. The kookaburra's owner. The kookaburra was fine. It just laughed. It's still laughing."

Gaga was riveted. "Where can I get a bird treadmill?"

"You can't! He made it himself! Out of a hamster wheel and a tiny motor! It's dangerous!"

"I want one."

"No you don't!"

"I want three."

Susan turned to Barry, her eyes wild. "You! Barry! You were his rival! You know what he's like!"

Barry held up his hands. "I didn't know about the bird treadmill."

"Nobody knew about the bird treadmill! That's the problem! He keeps it in the garage! With the birds! He calls it 'The Weight Loss Wing'!"

THE DEFENCE

Travis, who had been silent throughout this, finally spoke. "Susan. That's enough."

"It is not enough!"

"The bird treadmill was a prototype."

"It nearly killed a galah!"

"The galah was fine."

"The galah was traumatised! It still won't look at a hamster wheel!"

Travis sighed. He turned to the three women. "Okay. Fine. Yes. I'm obsessed with Australian birds and weight loss. It's my passion. It's my life. It's why I wanted to become a vet. Not for the money. Not for the fame. For the birds."

Zeta-Jones narrowed her eyes. "And the polo shirts with your face on them?"

"That's just branding."

"And the laminated card?"

"That's just confidence."

"And the press conference where you announced you were a vet without any qualifications?"

"That's just enthusiasm."

Rihanna stepped forward, holding up her muffin. "Travis. Look at this muffin. Don't eat it. Just look at it."

Travis looked at it.

"What do you see?"

"A circle of potential."

"Wrong. You see a man who's trying too hard. A man who wants to be special so badly that he's willing to lie about being a vet, build dangerous bird treadmills, and wear polo shirts with his own face on them. A man who's scared."

Travis's lip trembled. "I'm not scared."

"You are. And that's okay. Because we're all scared. Barry's scared. Gaga's scared. Cath's scared. I'm scared. The only one who isn't scared is Susan, and that's because she's been angry for fifteen years."

"I have," Susan confirmed. "I really have."

THE RESOLUTION

Travis agreed to abandon his veterinary ambitions. Again. He agreed to dismantle the bird treadmill. He agreed to stop wearing polo shirts with his own face on them, though he negotiated down to "only on weekends." Again.

Susan, satisfied, accepted a muffin from Rihanna. She did not eat it. She just looked at it.

"It is a perfect circle of potential," she admitted.

"Thank you," Rihanna said.

"I haven't felt this calm in fifteen years."

"That's the muffin."

"I know."

Gaga, disappointed about the lack of a group discount, consoled herself by adding Bandito and Taylor to her collection and announcing that she would be building her own bird treadmill, "but safer."

Zeta-Jones declared the day "a victory for common sense and a defeat for laminated cards."

And Barry went home, held his muffin to the light, and thought about how strange his life had become.

Same time next week? he thought.

Same time next week.

And somewhere in the distance—beyond the van, beyond the press conference, beyond the absurdity of it all—a kookaburra laughed.

Or maybe it was Susan.

Or maybe it was the bird treadmill, still spinning in the garage, waiting for its next victim.